Compassionate Care

Does every woman need a doula?

I’m a doula, so I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to answer this question with an unequivocal “yes.”  But that wouldn’t be quite honest, would it? Because, like most things, it’s more complicated than that.

I can’t answer “yes” to that question because here’s my little confession: I had two children and I didn’t have a doula, nor did I feel like I needed one at any point in my labors. I went on to have two more children as a gestational surrogate and I did hire a doula for my first surrogacy (also my first and only hospital birth), which felt well worth it. But I chose not to hire a doula for my second surrogate birth. 

Early on in my doula career, that little tidbit made me occasionally feel a little guilty about hawking my services to expecting parents. Did they truly need me? Isn’t it true that deep down, they already know how to give birth?

But then I remember. Even if deep down you know how to give birth, you still need a lot of reminders. A lot of reminders... And patience. And warm, soothing touch. And the feeling that everyone around you cares about you and they are giving you all the support you need.

That is compassionate care.

 Sometimes you can get it without a doula. For my first birth, I had a homebirth midwife, my partner, my mom and my two sisters around me, and no shortage of calm, compassionate care. My second birth had fewer relatives (it was a faster birth, and my mom was out of the house with my older child), but still plenty of love and support. By my fourth birth, I felt so confident in my team, my connection with the intended family, and my own birthing self (turns out I am a person that can “doula myself” in labor) that I just didn’t think a doula made sense for us.

But often times, a doula is just what you need to complete the circle of care. You have a midwife, a family practice doctor, or an OB to provide medical care, you have a supportive partner or family member who loves you, and you have a doula that knows you and supports you and your partner, helps explain procedures and options, offers soothing touch, and calmly guides you into trusting yourself.

The birth will be what it will be: wild and unpredictable. I’m never attached to particulars when it comes to the birth, because who are we kidding?! Nobody can control all the aspects of labor. If the parents and birthing people come through their experience feeling compassionately cared for and supported, then I’ve done my job. Everyone deserves that for their birth. Do you need a doula? Only you can answer that question. But it’s one great way to increase your chances of having a happy, memorable birthing day.

*updated 3/28/2021